I liked the way Allegiant ended. Although I didn't like the third book as much as the first two, I was still happy with it, and the ending didn't make me mad. I thought it wrapped up well, and I was glad that I read Allegiant to finish the series off.
My sister, on the other hand, did not like the ending. So for Christmas, I wrote her a new one. And I must say, I quite like it. I don't like it better than, or even equally to Veronica Roth's original ending. My alternate ending is cliche-happily-ever-after. Veronica Roth's was raw, emotional, and real. But for those of you who prefer the cliche-happily-ever-after ending, and can't deal with the fact that Tris is dead (even though that leaves Four single!!! Heelllooooo), I thought I would share it with you.
Enjoy.
Tobias
Cara is the first person I see when we arrive back, and the look on her face worries me. Her eyebrows are furrowed and the lines around her face show that she’s been sleeping on something like a sweater, or her folded arms.
“Tobias,” she says, her voice full of agony.
“Tobias,” she says, her voice full of agony.
“What?” I ask, my blood feeling like it’s starting to boil in my veins. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s Tris,” she says slowly.
“No,” I say, expecting the worst. “No, no she’s not…”
“She’s alive,” Cara says, stepping in close to me. “But barely…”
I don’t even think. I just run. I run down the twisted hallways towards the hospital wing, not caring about the people I’ve left behind. No one else matters. Nothing else matters. My heart is pounding and my head is spinning and I find it hard to tell which way is up. I’m so distraught that I get myself lost, even though earlier today I knew this place like the back of my hand. I look around frantically, getting frustrated with both Tris and myself. Why was she only barely alive? What happened? I immediately think that she must have done something stupid, something she thinks is selfless, but is actually incredibly selfish. For some reason I find myself thinking that she wanted this; that she wanted to die in all of this. For some reason, it starts running through my head that she had planned this the whole time, and was never going to tell me about it.
“Four,” Christina says, running up behind me.
I turn around. “I can’t… I don’t know…”
“Four, it’s ok. She’s alive.”
“What happened? Did Cara say what happened?”
“She went into the weapons lab instead of Caleb.”
“She what?” And suddenly I know that she didn’t want this. She
didn’t want to die. She just couldn’t let her brother die. I lean against the wall behind me and collapse to the ground, my entire body shaking.
didn’t want to die. She just couldn’t let her brother die. I lean against the wall behind me and collapse to the ground, my entire body shaking.
Christina sits down next to me and puts a hand on my knee. “Let’s go see her.”
I sniffle back some tears and wipe my face with the heel of my hand, before nodding and forcing myself back up.
Tris
I can hear Tobias saying my name, but it isn’t really registering. I can hear him, but I can’t really process it. His hand is pressed lightly on the side of my face, his thumb grazing my cheek. I take in a deep, painful breath and open my eyes. Tobias looks tired, worn.
“Hey,” he says softly.
I try to sit up, but every part of me aches. He gently pushes his open palms against my shoulders, making sure I stay lying down.
“Tobias,” I say, through a cracked voice. I want to clear my throat and try again, but even that hurts. When I open my mouth to talk again, the pain seems to travel down my neck and into my shoulders, spreading across my entire body.
“Shh,” he says. “Don’t,” his voice seems to crack too, as if seeing me like this is difficult for him. “Don’t try to sit up, ok? And you don’t have to talk, I know it hurts.”
Being in pain like this, with Tobias leaning over me and comforting me, reminds me of when he brought me back to his place after I was attacked during the initiation. How I was afraid, and broken, and humiliated, but he just made sure that I was ok, and was ok with me being who I was. My vision blurs with tears and I want to tell him how much I love him, but my head is so foggy and heavy that my brain can’t even tell my mouth how to talk. It’s like I have nothing left in me.
“I love you,” he whispers, his soft lips by ear.
I smile before I fall back into darkness.
Tobias
I can’t stop pacing. My heart has been thrumming in my chest ever since I came back and heard about Tris, and I can’t imagine what I would do if she died. I can’t. I run my fingers through my growing hair and turn back around, looking to turn to someone. I need to talk to someone, I need to know that someone else out there thinks she might pull through, I need to know that she’ll be ok. I need someone to tell me that she’ll be ok. Christina walks in the room then, and I almost collapse. My knees quiver under me and I walk over to her, feeling my legs shake with every step.
“How is she?” She asks.
I shake my head. “I don’t know. She was awake earlier, but she keeps slipping, keeps falling back asleep so deeply that I’m not sure she’ll wake back up. I don’t even…” I feel a tear fall down my cheek, but I don’t wipe it away. Sometimes I feel like I’m not who I used to be. I’m not the brave Dauntless Initiate leader I once was. I’m not the guy with only four fears. Right now, it feels like I’m terrified of everything. And it feels like I won’t be able to overcome them. It feels like they are just going to consume me and pull me under until I drown in them. Control over my fear was supposed to be the thing that I was good at. But right now, I’m so afraid of losing Tris, and becoming someone I don’t like, that that’s all I can think about.
“She can do this,” Christina says. “She’ll pull through, she has to. She’s Tris.”
I try to smile but it seems too forced. Instead I back away and fall into my cot, burying my face in my hands. Christina sits next to me and sighs.
“She’ll be ok,” she says again. But even I can hear the uncertainty in her voice.
“She was exposed to death serum, and shot multiple times, Christina.” I try to hide the fear in my voice, but I know it slips out. I know that Christina knows how much of a mess I am. It doesn’t bug me as much as I thought it would.
“Right. She was exposed to death serum and she’s still here. She’ll make it through this, you both will.”
“I just don’t understand why she didn’t just let her stupid brother do it. He was going to do it.”
She shrugs and gets off the cot. “Maybe you should ask him that.”
I watch her leave and feel a weight bare down on my chest so heavy that I almost can’t breathe. This is worse than when I thought she died over in Erudite headquarters. This is worse than everything I have ever been through. Because I’m just sitting here, waiting, not knowing how this will end. How will it end?
I can’t take it anymore and make my way back over to the hospital wing, even though visiting hours are over. Most of the staff don’t know who they are anymore, let alone who I am, so I take the chance at getting into a little trouble.
Tris is still sleeping, but she doesn’t look peaceful. Her face is tight and bruised, still swollen from the death serum. Her blonde hair has fallen over her closed eyes in greasy strands, and I can hear her wheeze every time she takes in a breath. I step in closer to her, grabbing her small hand in mine. She can do this. Tris can do this. Like Christina said, she’s Tris. She was exposed to Death Serum and shot multiple times and she’s still here. She’s in rough shape, but she’s better off than any of us would have been. She’s small, but she’s tough. She’s strong. Hell, she was the stiff who jumped first.
“How’s she doing?” I jump a little at the sound of his voice, and I turn around so fast that I almost make myself dizzy. I can’t even look at him right now, I’m so angry that I’ve lost all other thoughts.
“You,” I say, taking large, fast steps towards Caleb. He backs up and looks as though I’ve just killed his puppy, but I keep inching towards him. “That was supposed to be you in there!”
“I know! You think I don’t know that!? You think this isn’t killing me too!?”
I don’t care that he’s upset. I want him to be upset. I want him to hurt. I squeeze my hands into fists and keep them tight at my sides, trying my hardest not to wail on him. It hurts me not to just break his stupid nose. He deserves to have it broken again, it’s just calling to me.
“She wouldn’t let me do it, I swear,” he screams, bringing his hands up to shield his face.
“You shouldn’t have let her do it!” I’m about to raise my fist and plow it into his face when I hear Tris behind me.
“Stop.” Her voice is low and strained, but the second the sounds come out of her mouth, my body seems to melt. I gasp and turn around,
running to her.
running to her.
“Tris,” I say, kneeling down next to her bed.
“Please don’t be mad at him,” she whispers.
“I can’t help it.”
“Try.”
I force a smile and cup her face with my hand. “Ok,” I say. “I’ll try.”
She smiles too, and leans into my touch. “Did it work?” She asks. “The memory serum. Did it work?”
“Yes. It worked.”
My recovery is slow and painful. I find it hard to sit up in bed, but any time that I try, Tobias doesn’t let me. I beg him to climb into bed with me, but he always says that he doesn’t want to hurt me. He always says that I need room to heal. I mostly just sleep a lot, and dream of my mother. Of seeing her in the weapons lab. I want to tell Tobias about it, but I’m not sure how he’ll respond. It almost slips out a few times, until finally one day I sort of tip toe around it, playing with the idea of telling him. Getting the feel for the situation first.
“Tobias?” I ask, jerking him awake from the chair next to my bed.
“Hmm?” He looks at me through sleepy eyes.
“Did I die?”
“What do you mean?”
“In the weapons lab, was I dead for a bit?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know. Why?”
My mouth is dry. “I just… I don’t know, it seems like it would be ok if it was because I was dead.”
“What would be ok?” He inches towards me in the chair, leaning across the empty space between it and the bed.
“I just… In the weapons lab, after David shot me, I was so disoriented, and I couldn’t hold myself up anymore, and I was afraid… But then I saw my mom.”
His eyes widen and I notice the corners of his lips curling into a bit of a smile.
“She was there, Tobias. And … then I wasn’t afraid anymore.”
“Have you been afraid to tell me that this whole time?” He asks.
I shrug.
“You don’t have to be afraid, Tris. Not anymore. Not of anything.”
“I think there will always be things to be afraid of. Even if this new world is the safest place to be. There will always be something.”
“But I’ll always be here, ok?”
“Ok.”
And then he lifts the edge of my covers, and slides into bed with me.
I can’t stay asleep. I’m tired as hell and my eyelids are heavy, but I just can’t fall asleep. I listen to Tobias’ steady breathing before I shake him, pain jolting though my side as I do so.
“Tobias,” I whisper.
“What?” He rubs his eyes and smiles at me.
“Are you mad at me?”
“What?”
“Are you mad at me?” I ask again.
“For what?”
“For risking my life again.”
“No.”
“You’re not just saying that?”
“No. The last time you did it, I couldn’t understand where you were coming from. It wasn’t an act of bravery or selflessness in my eyes. But this time… I dunno, I get it.”
“You do?”
“I wish I was mad at your earlier, though.”
“Why?”
“Because it would have been easier to be mad at you than worry about you.”
I lean into him and kiss him softly, tingles erupting throughout my body, making me forget about the pain. He presses his body against mine and wraps his arms around me, but gently enough not to hurt my healing wounds. I want to wrap myself around him too, but when I try, my body shouts at me stop, and I have to settle with keeping my hands on his chest, in between us. When he finally pulls away, he looks into my eyes and then presses his
forehead against mine.
forehead against mine.
“I don’t think I could have ever gotten over the fear of losing you for real,” he whispers.
“But you would have been ok,” I say.
He shakes his head. “I never would have recovered.”
“I know you would have with time. You would have learned to be ok.”
“But that’s the thing, Tris. I didn’t want to learn to be ok. I was afraid of losing you, but I was also afraid of moving on.”
He kisses me again, and when he pulls away this time, I have no
trouble falling asleep in his arms.
trouble falling asleep in his arms.
Tobias
Tris is finally feeling ok enough to walk around, but it’s still slow. The length of time that it’s taking her to heal is killing me inside. I’m antsy and
uncomfortable and I want to move on. Parts of me miss my home in
Dauntless, other parts of me miss my Abnegation house, and the street it was on. But mostly, I just want to get out of here. It freaks me out how no one knows who they are, or who we are, and what we did to them. What Tris did to them. Tris took away their memories, and now they all smile as they walk by us, or when they change her IVs and give her medication. They are oblivious to everything and it’s making me feel itchy inside. I just want out.
uncomfortable and I want to move on. Parts of me miss my home in
Dauntless, other parts of me miss my Abnegation house, and the street it was on. But mostly, I just want to get out of here. It freaks me out how no one knows who they are, or who we are, and what we did to them. What Tris did to them. Tris took away their memories, and now they all smile as they walk by us, or when they change her IVs and give her medication. They are oblivious to everything and it’s making me feel itchy inside. I just want out.
Christina still comes by every now and then, and Peter tags along too, but I still don’t like him. He’s not as much of a dick as he once was, but he still has that same flare to him. He still has a crooked smile and thinks that he’s good enough to do crooked things. He’s the same person as he was before, he just doesn’t remember it. And the fact that he doesn’t remember it, makes me want to punch him. Why does he get to forget all the horrible things in his life, and I don’t? Why does he to get off so easy? Sometimes I wish that Tris and I could take the memory serum, and remember only each other.
Tris has been picking at her food for a while, not really eating it. I watch her move it around on her plate and pretend not to notice her sulking.
“Do you ever wonder what it could have been like?” Tris asks without looking up from her food.
“What what would have been like?”
“Life. If the purity war never happened, and our cities weren’t fenced in as an experiment? Would we still be the same people?”
“I think so.”
She tilts her eyes up at me, but her head is still bowed a little. “But this experiment has been teaching us to think only a certain way. Without it, everyone would be completely different.”
“We were raised to think a certain way, but we still had our own thoughts fight through. All of us did. We’ve all been our own people from the start, no matter what we were taught.”
She smiles at me and I notice a lot of colour has come back into her cheeks. She really does look like she’s gotten past the worst of it. She reaches across the table and grabs my hand, running her thumb along the back of it.
“What’s up?” I ask.
“I want to leave.”
“Ok,” I say. “Where do you want to go?”
“Anywhere but here.”
“Tris, you’re not fully healed.”
“I’m fine.”
“Tris,” I try again.
“Four,” she says, catching me off guard. She hasn’t called me Four like that since she knew my real name, and I get the feeling she’s saying it to prove a point. To let me know that I’m not just her boyfriend, and that she’s not just my girlfriend. We’re both two people who are ready for something new. At least I hope that’s what she meant by it.
I smirk at her and stand up. “Fine. Beatrice.”
“It’s Tris.”
“Yeah. And it’s Tobias.”
She stands up and grabs onto my hand, a smile spreading across her face. “But you never knew me as Beatrice. I knew you as Four. It’s different.”
“I wish I knew you as Beatrice.”
“I don’t. I don’t want to be her anymore.”
“Ok,” I say gently. “Well is it ok if I don’t want to be Four anymore?”
She nudges her shoulder into my arm. “Yeah. That’s ok.”
Tris
We put together small backpacks with some supplies we’ll need us to get by for a few days. We don’t know where we’re going, but the fact that we’re going anywhere is good for me. I want to get away from Caleb and Peter and David, even Christina. They all remind me of the horrible things I’ve done, and every time I look at any of them, I just feel my chest tighten up and I don’t know how to breathe. I know I told Caleb that I can forgive him, and I will never regret going into that weapons lab instead of him, but there is still a part of me that can’t quite look at him the same. He’s soured my memory of our family. Of all the times he taught me to be selfless, I thought he was being a good person, but every time I look at him now, that isn’t what I see. David just makes me think of my mother, and how he tried to ruin her life, and how jealous and creepy he seemed to me. I also can’t stand the fact that he tried to kill me and doesn’t even remember it. He smiles every time I walk by him and he has no idea he was the one who put the bullets in my back. Sometimes I just wish I could put some in his.
Christina runs after Tobias and me as we head for the doors. “Wait!” she yells after us.
I stop and turn to her, letting her hug me. I hug her back, but it still feels strange. I wanted things to get better between us, but even after living in the same quarters for all this time, I still feel like we’re not the same friends as we used to be. I swallow a lump of guilt in my throat and smile at her. “Come with us,” I say, but hoping she doesn’t want to.
She shakes her head. “I can’t. I’m not ready just yet.”
“I get it.”
“I just wanted to say goodbye.”
Tobias and I have been walking in the snow for a few hours and my toes and lips are numb. We have no idea where any road will take us, but walking along these new paths feels a little exhilarating. It’s time for
something new, and I’m ready for it. I listen to the snow crunch beneath our feet with every step that we take, and look around us at all the sights of the strange buildings.
something new, and I’m ready for it. I listen to the snow crunch beneath our feet with every step that we take, and look around us at all the sights of the strange buildings.
“You hear that?” Tobias asks.
I turn my head to him. “No, what is it?”
“Look.” He points to a set of rail road tracks running across our path. “I hear a train coming.”
He squeezes my hand tightly and then drops it, looking for the
approaching train.
approaching train.
“There,” he says. “It’s coming from the left. Should we get on?” he asks.
He just smiles at me, and for the first time in weeks, it looks like a real smile. One that isn’t trying to hide grief, or fear, or uncertainty. A real smile that makes his eyes wrinkle in the corners, and his cheeks raise up. It makes my heart flutter, and the thought of getting on a train like this again scares me for a second. But only for a second. I nod my head. “Yes,” I say. “Let’s get on.”
The train is coming up fast now, and we break out into a run. My body still aches, and when I pick up speed, everything inside of me sears and burns, but I try to ignore it and keep going. I want to hop on this train. I will hop on this train. We pull our backpacks off and toss them in the open car ahead of us as we run alongside it. Tobias is a few steps ahead of me and has his arm extended to the handle of the car that our bags just landed in. I watch him grab onto it and pull himself up. I pick up speed and reach for the handle. He sticks his arm out for me to grab onto, but I shake my head no. I’m going to do this on my own. I grab onto the cold, metal handle and wrap my fingers around it as tightly as I can, my legs almost ripping out from beneath me with the speed of the moving train. I do a little skip and leap, swinging my body up and landing inside with a roll. I lie there for a few minutes, letting the pain subside.
“That was fun,” I say.
Tobias chuckles. “Are you ok?”
I nod and pull myself up onto my hands and knees. Tobias is kneeling next to me, so I let myself collapse against his chest. He wraps his arms around me and we both lean against the wall behind us, listening to the rumbling of the track beneath us. We’re quiet for a while, and all I can hear is the sounds of our breathing, and the rattling of our train car.
“What do we do now?” I ask.
“Whatever we want.” He nuzzles his face into my neck and kisses me softly. I turn my head around so that I can kiss him on the lips, and everything melts away. His hand runs up my back, under my shirt and I turn my body completely so that we’re pressed against each other, as close as possible. He slowly pushes me back, lying on top of me on the floor of the car, his warm hands running along my body. I want him to keep going, I want him to go farther, but most of all, I want to let him. I don’t want to long for his touch and push him away like I’ve always done. I don’t know why I couldn’t get over the fact that he liked me, even though I was so small. But I’m making myself get over it now. Tobias loves me, and he doesn’t care if I’m little. I’m almost 17, and I’m not a kid anymore. Everything that I’ve been through lately can
Tobias has pulled a blanket out of his backpack, and draped it over the two of us. We’re lying back to front, and his arms are tightly wrapped around me, keeping me both warm and safe. His breath in my ear is
comforting.
comforting.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“I love you too.”
“I know you said we could go anywhere we wanted… Do anything.”
“Yeah.” He starts to trail his fingers up and down my arm, sending goose bumps up my neck.
“How do we do it?” I ask. “How do we move on? I don’t know how to keep going unless it’s with you.”
“Well it’s a good thing I’m here, then.” I can hear the smile in his voice.
“But I mean… Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. And I don’t know what to expect, or how to react. I don’t know how to keep going.”
It’s quiet for a bit, and I think that he’s fallen asleep.
“How do I keep going?” I ask him.
He lets out a breath that warms my neck. “Be brave.”
No comments:
Post a Comment